In the gospel of Mary Magdalene, there is this esoteric idea that we move up branches of the tree of knowledge, eating the fruit that deepens our awareness. Between each bough of this great tree is a gate and a guardian who challenges the unworthy who try to pass. When we get tripped up by something in our psyche it is as though we have got caught dancing with a Guardian. The dance often stops us from moving further up the tree and we begin again.
After claiming a part of my power yesterday I woke up with the feeling that I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing. It’s a strange sensation after feeling so sure of myself for so many weeks. In the shower (where I do my best thinking) I began to see that I was dancing with the Guardian of my self-worth gateway without even knowing it. And instantly began to laugh. I really do think I’m so clever, but just when I think I have it figured out I begin to dance again.
I realised too what was causing my self-doubt. I began putting my artwork on Instagram and it has been torquing my brain. As an extension of Goddess in the Belly, I have been allowing the Divine Feminine to surface slowly over the past few years in different ways. Art has been one of those outlets. Anyone that comes to our home gets to see what I am working on and everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing with the artistic expression. It was my brother’s idea that I begin putting my canvas in Instagram. And now I’ve lost my footing.
For someone so sure of their soul purpose, on a human level I have no idea what I’m doing until the inspiration hits. If I follow someone else’s inspiration, it often falls flat because I wasn’t lined up with my vibration. In a world that wants us to plan out every stage, that wants us to make a purpose of everything we do, I often feel out of step because not everything I do has to have a purpose. I do things because they feel good.
I began blogging wanting to share what I had learned. It was a place to set down the teachings I had picked up, and the downloads I had received. When I began, I thought it was going to be an extension of my ministry. But quickly realised that wasn’t why I created a blog at all.
Words don’t teach, they just align. They create a resonance field that intrigues and validate things for others, but ultimately if a person is seeking, answers will come to them; no intermediary is needed. I need an outlet for Spirit to move through me. I needed a way to ground into the physical those things I desperately wanted as a child. Blogging has always been about me. If I’m to keep Instagram, I need to find a way to sit in alignment with it as part of my journey or let it go…lets see where the flow takes me.