There are many women circles in my life, they have been present for almost a decade. Not long by some standards and yet I couldn’t have participated in them if I had found them any sooner. Not in the way I feel them now. I was too guarded, so hidden from myself. What I have learned is that women’s circles are magical places, where women learn to become honest and real for the first time in their lives. They drop the layers of what is expected of them, and sink luxuriously into deep authenticity.
There have been so many stories taught to us about how a woman should be. As a collective we lost our communities long ago, we lost a way to gauge the truth within ourselves about what the feminine energy is. After three months spent in an intense field of feminine healing energy I have emerged more sure of my own power and presence, and it is because of the honesty and raw beauty that was offered up to my soul.
This morning I was thinking about all the women who have come and gone in my life. Those that I have loved and those that I have discarded, and out poured a love letter and confessional in one. For me it feels like a cleaning, a clearing purge as much as a rally cry…there is great magic in our sharing and it brings deep stirring from within.
Years ago, I wasn’t ready for my worthiness. I was blind to the truths beyond my own perceptions.
At times you were too fast for my slow way of sifting through this mortal world. I feared your capacity to stretch your wings in trust. I feared your flight. At times, I was too impatient to wait for you to catch up and left you behind. Choosing to focus on your superficial traits, and not the depth of your soul, made me wall myself off from this world. I am sorry.
With my arrogance I have kept you out of my journey. With my desire to have safety I have done us both a disservice.
Sisters, I have felt my own unworthiness surge forward as you claimed the prize I so desperately wanted; the man, the job, the talent, the fearlessness and even the bravado. I have felt myself wish you wouldn’t be so luminous, wished that you would falter just so I wouldn’t be alone. Sometimes you did, and a small part of me rejoiced. My fear that I would be confined to your shadows, while you shone brighter, was a bitter pill to swallow. The twisted part of me that liked your failure was my shame.
I am sorry for my small and petty ways.
Oh, I have felt your jealousy roll against my skin too. Your desire to possess some part of my journey as your own clawed at my awareness, and it felt horribly invasive. That longing coming off you, silent and powerful with unsaid words, was what I let pinch me off from my truth. I felt hurt that you couldn’t follow your own energy, forgetting it takes time to learn to do this. I felt betrayed that you wouldn’t just let me have my own experience and be joyful for me. In my pain I shrunk back from you, hiding and avoiding my emotions. I’m sorry. This taught you nothing about what it looks like to embrace personal power. It gifted you with no insight into personal boundaries, or how to tap into a greater strength, one that relays on nothing outside yourself.
In my confusion to find my footing I have felt the sting of your betrayals, and the callous flatness of my indifference’s. We are a push and pull of subtle energy you and I, wrapped up in perceptions. We’ve taken turns wielding the knives that cut us apart, and for my part in that I am sorry.
Sisters, I was so guarded, that even your gentle open ways would rub me raw. There you were, heart-in-hand, and I could not stretch out to take it. Your innocent trust was as scary as your other traits, and how could I possibly be worthy of your love?
You are my mirror, as surly as I am your reflection, and there is but one story playing out here.
It has taken some work to suck the poison of comparison from my system. It has taken time to bring down the protective walls that surrounded me, and the habits of old are still being broken even now. This will be my life’s work.
You, in your raw undiluted femininity, unapologetic ways, your power and fierce intuition; you who have made me laugh, cry and shake. The world didn’t show me how to fix this part of me, but you did.
For that I am so very grateful.
In my clarity, my heart has become a well of open ended love. For the times we have connected, and the times we have missed those opportunities (to be real), I am grateful. It is perfect as it is, and this journey has taught us all so much.
Sisters, lets drop the stories, and be raw with one another going forward. Let’s be permissive. Let’s stop blaming and withholding, and become beacons of light the likes of which our world has never seen. In my Self Sovereignty, I claim you. All of you, the light and the shadow and give you the space to do the same with me. I will hold nothing against you. It serves no purpose and hardens my heart. I will take responsibility for my own energy as I stand firmly in the knowing we a one.