All life it made up of perception and projection. Once we can recognize this, our whole experience of living changes. Every action and reaction in our life stems from our emotions. Even our logical decisions are reached from places of deep emotional drives hidden in our psyche.
Emotions are the currency of the universe, buying intimate information about who you really are and where you want to go. There is nothing that we should value more than how we feel. I’ve learned how to own my emotions over time, though it wasn’t something I was ever taught. I was taught that emotions are weakness, illogical and unproductive. Suck it up and get on with it. This may work for a fire sign, but a water sign such as me becomes a damn.
This Sunday I hit a grief bubble, felt anger, resentment and sadness in large rolling heaps. The crying began late Saturday night just before bed. It was the one year anniversary of my mother’s transition and it hit me fast and sharp. And as I bounced against the energy threads of what I didn’t feel that day, I noticed each layer surfaced for release as needed in the perfect order.
I’ve never been so OK with the tumultuous nature of my emotions as I was this Sunday. Recognizing what a gift they can be, both personally and energetically. I’ve never been so thankful for the solid relationship that my husband and I have created as we blasted through our own grief and loss together as a team.
I cried for my own loss this weekend. I cried for the isolation that grief brings when my father makes his widower status the only valuable grief process. I cried in frustration, wanting to be 100% spiritually focused about my grief, and having the very human reality that it’s not totally possible. The human experience comes with tears and snot and is messy. I also cried when I recognized my desire to be rescued from the emotions by something outside myself. And when the tears didn’t work, I got angry with my husband for not being ‘a knight in shinning armor’ who would rescue me from my own pity party.
The open emotions worried my children, angered my husband as they bumped up against his own perceptions. In the end, I realized another layer of myself. My greatest gift is being able to cry and rage my emotions out into the open. Something that wasn’t celebrated about me as a child, but should be now. To pivot my thinking, release and let go when the tidal wave hits and subsides is pure water magic.
It is part of the art of allowing that is encoded within me.
My daughter, seven-year-old wonder that she is, kept spilling sage advice while I cried. Think happy thoughts mommy, focus on being grateful, you need to practice your lego thinking mom….I felt proud of her, her natural nurturing came out as I came undone.
One thing I remember saying that “sometimes you need to cry before you can do your work” and I really meant it.
Before you can make a choice, to pivot your thinking and get down to work, you need to be right where you are. Fat tears rolling or monstrous anger spewing you need to be able to let it out. If you don’t let it out, then you bury it inside and that isn’t healthy.
There is great strength in surrendering to where you are in the emotional scale and even greater strength in apologizing if you hurt someone while within a process. Luckily my husband gets all this, and I get to go where I need to and so does he. Perception and projection are what form our human experience. Healthy spiritual expansion comes when we allow ourselves (and others) to be right where we are.