One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to move through is the recognition I don’t have a monopoly on the Goddess. That my concept of a Source isn’t mine alone and that I don’t carry the weight of a huge project on my shoulders. I don’t know where the martyr energy comes from but I know now that this is a collective undertaking, and only my ego needs to feel the project in a ‘BIG’ way. This morning I’m full of confessional energy, wanting to return to an innocent way of connecting, forgoing striving, straining or seeking and just sinking into the beingness of ‘me’. I can’t be sure posting isn’t about striving or straining, but since visibility is a huge component at this stage, I’ll let it slide for the time being and drop my robes to stand vulnerable and raw right here and now.
When She first started speaking to me I thought “This is it, this is my path, my purpose.” I hadn’t yet met any women holding space for Her, hadn’t yet met anyone who held space in the way my heart was remembering. And then I lined up with more of The Mother’s teachings, I heard her names in its many vibrations, had memories surface that I wanted to attach great meaning to……that was when more women who know her were revealed to me.
This filled my heart with joy, I had tears realizing how vast our collective was. There were even times my heart would expand into what I can only describe as a ‘Proud Momma’ moment, as thought my personal mother energy was what was calling them all home.
The darker side of my nature didn’t like how well they let her flow through them. My ego didn’t like their way of expressing it so eloquently. I couldn’t stand that others were farther down the path of ‘Awakening’ …. as if in my 33 human years I had some sort of hold on The Goddess that others could not and I was indignant they were not waiting for me to awaken! I began to play the game of comparison. I think we all do this, but it’s painful to sit in when you are the one twisting in the flame.
I forgot that holding on too tight to anything impedes the flow of it.
Today I lay it in the fire, and let it burn away another layer of my comparisons. I add my voice to the great flow of us all and breathe. Laying it down I feel free and maybe a little sad. Being with Her in each moment is my contribution. Yes, I am the ebb and flow of time, yes, She oozes from my cell memory, but is not mine to hold on to alone. She is part of my Source, the Well from which I drink and quench my desire to feel more, to expand more, sink more fully into the embodiment of the Divine.