I’ve been sick, laid out flat with a fever. I rarely get sick, so this makes me cranky like a toddler without a nap. The past few days have been long, and nothing puts me into my humanness more than being confronted with the body in a weakened state. Being ‘here now’ is a lot harder when things aren’t going right. I’ve made a huge decision lately and think my body is processing the choice and direction I’m heading in. But that’s a discussion for another day.
There are things that I like about being sick. Like guilt free sleep and leaving everything for someone else to take care of. I’m a responsible person, even when I let things slide I feel guilt, so being sick removes the guilt energy and just lets me wallow in the physical. Deep down I can feel that I’m secretly angry that I feel responsible for everything all the time, even if that’s not 100% accurate depiction of my life, the emotions are there. Illness gives me an excuse to not be on point and a much needed break.
I’ve never much liked responsibility, if something is expected of me I tend to look the other way rather than be trapped by someone’s expectation. I haven’t figure out if it’s a flaw in my character or if the rebelliousness serves a purpose, but I am amused by myself when I get glimpses of the truth. Today, though I’m up and about, I’m going to rest mindfully. Being aware of my body and all its subtle shifts. And know that being ‘mindfully-sick’ is enough work for one day.