There is a part of me that is ancient, longing after the awareness of the bigger Self. Drawing on lifetime, after lifetime of knowing as I unfurl my peddles into this body. I am not alone in this, there are many of us who can feel the ancient stirrings in their blood. She speaks to many, that pulsing drum from a place deep and wild. This is an old language of energy and emotion, an ocean of sensations that undulates with life and possibilities.
There is a part of me that is very old that listens with ancient ears, and there is a part of me that is very young, a personality attached to a body in this time and space. A baby on the path, longing after the abilities that appear to hold me back. I can not run yet, but I want to. I can not move in the wild dances of my nature, not in the way I feel called, but give me time. Just as a baby learns to move its body by waving its fists, clumsily flailing, I too am navigating this way of being.
The wires of these two energies, the known and unknown, cross each other serving the purpose of humbling my journey… reminding me to go slowly, to breathe and integrate. This is a dance for a lifetime. So impatient, always peeking down the path wanting what is around the bend to be closer.
I was sitting in the seat of deep reflection this morning, gifted with seeing a pattern of holding things at arms reach, dreams, relationships, this world, my body and even the awareness of Her. I hold the experiences at arm’s length even as I long to bend my elbows and draw it all closer. Envying those who can, comparing my journey to theirs, coming up short every time. It’s tiring, even as it is a habit hard to break.
I feel so tender in my insecurities this morning, so willing to just let them be as they are. It softens the awareness knowing that She is the flow in all I do, that there isn’t a time I am cut off from that which I know as Source. Even when I think I hold it back, it is working on me, refining me like tiny grains of sand. It takes the pressure off, to be more, to be ancient, to be wise, to have all the ah-ha moments at once. It lets the expectations drip down, shedding like old skin, so I can just breath in the beingness of me. I couldn’t even see where I was holding back, but I could feel it. And the old skin felt tight. Looks like its time to grow again.