This morning marks the first day I have been able to sit in silence and write for a week. Where have I been? Deep in the family energy, submerged in running a home, drawing those in my bloodline close and marking the holiday that was our first without the physical presence of my mother. My husband has remarked that this was the easiest, smoothest Christmas we have ever had, save the missing of one vital element. And I know why. She’s here, making it easy and effortless. I’ve been hearing the jingle of her silver bracelets in my head, feeling her as she smooths over the details in her no fuss, no bother way.
And, not to negate the my own role, I’ve been doing my work to allow the energy to flow. This is my practice and this is who I am. This holiday has shown me just how far I have come and how willing I am to speak my truth even within my family.
My father is gut-shot, tattered and torn by his grief. It’s sad to watch how alone he feels, even in a crowd. He entered our house on Christmas Eve to stay until yesterday and I’m glad he did as he needs people right now. With him I have to access my compassion as I deepen my presence and alignment to truth. I’m human gets triggered into small amounts of resentment and anger and I have to pivot my thinking constantly.
I know without a doubt that I have a choice on how I want to focus my path. I’ve been practicing turning away from untruth in a constant stream over the past few days. Even as I am tested by my egoic reactions, I am tested by another persons actions. I’m not used to so much contrast, and its like making choices on two fronts.
I know that I am connected to the essence of her, and I don’t feel the gaping wound of grief in the same way. My compassion comes in the form alignment of self and presence. Some of the presence feels like a poking and prodding to him, testing the edges and asking questions that he doesn’t like. Most of the time I am just with him at the door of his grief, I will not follow him in, nor do I think he wants me to. He doesn’t like it when I prod or poke him, and tells me I would make a terrible counselor. He’s fond of telling me that I’m not very spiritual, and I’m lacking skills in listening. Though it would take a Saint to just listen 100% of the time, I realized I’m doing more for him than he knows by just being me.
His comments on my character wound my ego, but also deepen my truth and for that I am grateful. For me, being here is a choice, and letting a loved one go is a surrender into what is. Why would I hold her back when this is what was perfect for the unfolding of all things?
My brother, who is raw and guarded, came Christmas Day with his wife and children to stay three nights. With him I only have the energy to be present. The walls with him and I are thick, and the relationship is not such that scaling them wouldn’t get messy. This was not the time to get messy, as holding the house together and staying grounded and present was exercising a muscle that took all my extra energy this season. But I know he was in deep pain and we skirted it pretending it to be a puddle. I can only hope that he has created support for himself from other sources and send offering of light to where he needs it most.
As their time in my space came to an end I became increasingly tired. Like someone had pulled my plug. When my brother’s family and their energy sucked out of my home, I took myself to bed before 7 pm and didn’t wake-up until morning. When my father left, I swept the house, took down Christmas and set my house in order. We had friends in for pizza and I drank beer and let myself just be without practice. And I realized how tight I had been holding the vortex I had created. How heavy the holiday had been, this morning I’m breathing a sigh of relief knowing that I can return to a natural routine but not before noting the nature of energy and intention that it took to host this first holiday.
My home was set-up to receive them all as I had grounded the footings and energy of our home deep into the earth. Just as you would ground your energy when you begin to meditate, each sacred space you create can be grounded too. My home and property are already sacred space, but this was beefed-up as I called in all the support that was needed. With intention and focus hallow ground can be made wherever is needed and the energy continues as it is fed by those who tend it.
In preparation of my family, each room was lovingly swept clean, smudged and set with Reiki. Each bed was made-up with the intention of soft comfort and support. With symbols and light woven into all the corners, I could feel the place become ready to hold our gathering. In preparation for what was coming I sent the energy down during the solstice, and a vortex of love was created around our home with the express purpose of extra support for all who needed it. Part of this was intuitive, following the prompting from deep inside. And part of this was from a subconscious teaching that had been filed away from my time at The Reiki Centre. While I sat in my meditation space the preparation took on a life of its own. I didn’t go into my space with the intention to create a vortex of support, but looking at it now I realized the house did its part in making this holiday run smoothly. And for that I am truly grateful.