There are a group of women who have just completed the Women’s Temple Leadership Training and I find myself envious. With this sense of longing comes a presence and purpose. Jealousy with an under tone of ‘way-showing’ is always better than jealousy blindingly shutting me down. I know without a doubt that it wasn’t my time to go to this gathering as I’m in the process of cleaning-up some old vibrational patterns and need this time to integrate. I had the opportunity to go to that retreat, I was invited through an opening but wouldn’t rearrange my family time for this work. That was my choice.
I can get that all and still feel covetous of their experience. This morning I want to acknowledge what is coming up for me, so that it doesn’t slip by without gifting me such a potent realization. I’m feeling left out as they share and connect though the on-line circle, these beautiful yoginis with nothing but sacred devotion in their hearts. I realized this morning that I have to actively engage my happiness for them in order to dissipate that resistance to joining in their joy.
This is where all emotions come down to a choice, I could stew and fret and push away or I can focus on the direction I want to head. I may not be able to fully let go of the inner desire to be in that particular group, but I can choose where I want to head with it now that it is being seen. This morning I took the comparison game into the inner plains and found that it’s just one more way I hold myself separate and apart. I long after oneness, and yet focus on what keeps me separated. I don’t want to play that game any longer.
I have my own speed and timing for things, and know that everything works just as it is supposed to. I know that I vibrate in a particular energy and that those who will heal me, aid me and teach me will be part of the journey I walk, no matter what I think I need to orchestrate. The universe is always smarter than my human.
This training has been working on my since I put my name down on the list a few months ago, subtly asking me deeper questions of myself. What do I need to work with in this ‘sisterhood’ … today I breathe into the sweetness of awareness and listen.