I’ve bumped up along the edge of one of my comfort zones this morning, and I almost didn’t post about it … but then that would be running, and running for the hills isn’t what I’ve agreed to do. Within my meditations I’ve asked what is currently in the way to sinking deeper with my study of the divine feminine, and this came to me almost instantly.
For those who don’t have ten minutes, Adina is just one of the willing teachers for an aspect of the divine feminine, her focus is on yoni care and the inner wisdom of our female bodies. As women our wombs and vagina’s talk to us, subtly and intuitively, this I know without a doubt. My comfort zone is rocked not by the knowledge of this but by her visibility and willingness to put it all out there … half the women I’ve met can’t say the word vagina without getting freaked out, and the disconnect from our sexuality is even larger.
I realized that women who hold the office of the sacred feminine in this particular way scare me. It’s not judgment but plain fear, raw and clawing…mixed with a little jealousy. I realized when I came across the above YouTube video through our women’s circle that what holds me back from sinking deeper isn’t my ability with energy, but my ability to let my boundaries down within myself. Those women (and there are many) scare me because they hold nothing back. So ripe, powerful and magnetic, the raw sensuality of them makes me squirm.
There is a voice inside me that backs away saying “I don’t belong there, I don’t belong to those teachings, their tribe, their world is not mine to enter” … it’s a nasty little voice that crawls up inside of my heart and makes me shrink back into the shadows away from my power.
I can feel the pull of curiosity working at me even as I feel repelled and realized this morning I have a choice to make. I can stay in the boxes of my comfort zone or push forward, even if its only an inch. I’m uncomfortable with the animal side of my nature, and while I can access my Shakti and move with it that doesn’t mean that I do so openly. I may not be meant to, but I am by no means in full contact with my inner power and as such those who are willing make me nervous.
I can never be in full acceptance of other women until I become comfortable with what I am and how I chose to be in the world. I can’t shoulder all the blame, sensuality has been stamped out of us by our society, our natural comfort with our human has been put into boxes and categories. I’m sure it’s that way for men in some capacity, perhaps how they are taught to wall off their emotions. Our genders have things that are labeled as acceptable or uncivilized, and I didn’t really have a say in what was labeled…non of us did. Part of the reason is that it just hasn’t been safe for women to be that open, because no matter how wonderful the man there is a primal belief that our bodies are always an invitation.
But I do have a say in how I move forward within this body, how much I want to reveal and I don’t know what that will look like. But when my comfort zone is hit like this it always indicates there is work to be done and crevices to be explored, lol, that wasn’t intended to be a pun but it works so I’ll leave it this morning.