The discovery of my body as a Temple is what has led to a total shift in how I perceive myself in and of this world. Now I move with the inspiration of spirit and choose food in the same way. I’ve discovered I like to move my body as much as sit on the sofa with a good book. I enjoy listening to what I need and allowing it to be just as it is.
Up until recently, a lot of how I was behaving in this world was not my own natural rhythm, but the rhythm imposed upon me by my loving family. I would wager that I am not alone in that discovery and that many of us cling to the patterns instilled in us from our childhood.
My journey of self discovery and autonomy has been a long one in the making. But as I sink deeper into the discovery “what I am feeling and what I need”, something interesting is shifting inside me, I’m becoming more aligned with who I AM. On a purely human level, my physical weight is shifting as well. To discover these insights I had to journey down into the underworld of the self, and become disconnected from my body just enough to feel the pain of that separation. Then I had to turn around and make a different choice. My journey is all my own, and yet there are elements of self-love and acceptance within it that anyone can connect to.
I have said that my mental distortion of reality (worry over body image and size) began in my teens and came to a head in my mid twenties. My thoughts of self loathing were never far from the surface, and even as I would eat the cookie for comfort I would loath my body and what the sugar would do to it. Sometimes I would eat out of defiance, as if to tell the universe “You can’t tell me what to do.” But as I sit quietly, I realized that my intuitive and empathic nature was what really shifted me into disconnection in the first place – and this began in my pre-teen years.
Empathic people feel things and intuitive people know things. Being both these things, sometimes I would pick up on information that others don’t even understand yet. And there wasn’t anyone who could explain about being an empath or intuitive to me as I was learning it. Surprisingly, I’m in a family of empaths and intuitves and yet not once of them could find the words to teach it. But that’s a story for another time. For me, food became a shield of comfort, buffering me from others energy. Weight shifted into place as a protection and became a deep teaching tool that I only now am understanding.
Anyone who has ever battled an eating disorder can tell you how obsessive the mind becomes over the slightest infraction against control. Under eating, or over eating, it didn’t matter, I was controlling my world. A world that didn’t make sense, that was full of too much information and no validation. When I tell you that I’ve battle back from the brink of crazy, it’s not an overstatement.
Luckily I was born into a family who had some measure of awareness, and I was taught about energy and mediation early on. I think this is why drugs or alcohol have not been part of the journey for me. Still partly connected, isn’t fully aligned and this is where the disconnection took place.
When something inside me realized how disconnected I had become, I cried out for help. My intuition began to kick in once again but it still wasn’t enough, I had to follow the prompting of my spirit and peel back my layers willingly. This took work a seven year journey of self discovery. I had become so bogged down by this world (and my protections) that I didn’t even know how hidden I had become.
Now, standing on the other side of this, in deep appreciation and love for this vessel I call a body, I can see the lessons I needed to learn about spiritual connection. Life is about energy and spirit, housed in a human temple. I’m beginning to see a correlation between my weight fluctuation over the years and how resistant I am to spirit motivated change. I’m was so busy trying to control everything, that I forgot to let spirit drive.
For me, weight, and where it is carried, is a physical representation of where there is work to be done spiritually. This doesn’t mean that people who don’t carry weight have less work to do, just that their ‘cues’ come to them in different ways. For all of us, the body is an extension of our energetic information system. As I become better at listening to its prompting I am never left without a manual for being here. It’s all energy, energy is information, and I’m built to read it. My question now is, how do I sink deeper into that connection?