If life is all a process, I’ve been deep into it. I’ve been away from the keyboard, rolling in the depth of my own life and its dramas. Catching air, and crashing down and sinking into it all…my ego wants to say that I’ve been doing it perfectly, that I’ve been breathing through it and floating in the flow, but it just wouldn’t be the truth. I’m human choosing a spiritual path and I’m still learning to let go and let God.
My mother is going through deep transformation, lets call that transformation cancer. She’ll hate that I’m writing about it but this is my process, this is my way of coping. Our family is not unique, some people are far worse off than ours. By now, most of us have been touched by the horrid ‘C’ word in some way, we’ve known friends, family, and loved ones; for some it has even been a personal experience within the body.
How do I feel? Desperate, lost and a little useless.
Desperate to control a situation that has nothing to control. Lost because I just can’t sit in perfect trust 100% of the time. Useless that I can talk a good game, but have nothing to say that can help, heal or shift this journey… it has to play out as it will.
Surrendering to ‘what is’ is the ultimate answer, and I’m not yet there. I know my personal philosophy, I know that nothing ever ends, but I can’t help wanting to orchestrate it all to what my human thinks it needs. What would it look like if I could totally allow the flow of life to unfold, without angst, without need for control?
Is it possible to transfer the depth of my love, to a trust in the divine order and flow of things to another level? I don’t know, but for now, I’ll spend time with my family and enjoy the moment as much as I can.
Just for today:
I will not be angry
I will not worry
I will do my work honestly
I will give thanks for my many blessings
I will be kind to my neighbors and all living things