This past weekend was my Psych exam, 100 multiple choice questions is enough to cause nightmares for weeks. But I realized how far I have come in my fear of test taking, that I only mildly paced the house before leaving and didn’t get up at the crack of dawn with a pounding heart.
I’ve been blogging for pleasure for over a year now, the biggest thrill is connecting with other individuals and reading what they have to say about life, culture and their world. It makes my morning to open-up WordPress and discover what everyone has been typing about, what matters to them and to see if any of our thoughts cross over. But I really enjoy allowing myself to be witnessed in my fear, joy and interest in life. Even if only one person reads my words, it’s the visibility component that is key to my journey into self.
Mine is a spiritual journey, pulling from many paths to find peace and every experience is just a new opportunity to grow. I’m part of a collective of awakening and awakened people that want more out of life and knowing that thrills me into doing my work.
Some of you know that part of that growth has been to return to University as a mature student (I say mature with a smallest of snicker) with two kids, balancing school and home life, as well as a calling are very challenging hurdles.
I can by no means compare myself to the single mother of four who puts herself through night school and works two jobs, my life isn’t that hard and I’m not about to pretend it is. I have healthy children, a partner that is fully sportive and family that is around to help when I need it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of being less than spiritual or that I should ignore the frustrations, because my fears are trivial compared to the outer world.
My philosophy that breath-work cures most ills, that taking responsibility for my journey causes a ripple effect into the world and that peace is an inside job have all coloured my experience of school this time around – resulting in a very different experience of exam time.
For as long as I can remember my family tell the story of me saying “I can’t do it!!” to any new thing I was presented with, the overwhelming feeling of failure would stop me before I even got started … it’s funny, that’s how they still see me considering how many things I start and finish in my life now. Maybe that’s the gift and the curse of family, they love to remind you where you used to be and keep you in that perception.
I still get paralyzed by the fear of failure, I think it is my desire to do well that causes the freeze up, but I realized as I move past each hurdle mindfully, grounded and in touch with what really matters, that I’m able to unravel my issues one test at a time.