Back in January I came across a post that I liked by Julie Hansen she had called the post Be More You and being new to blogging I stuck the link on my page intending to come back to it one day. Early posts get lost as the year rolls on, but this morning the memory of it was triggered by my thoughts about myself. I’ll be 33 in March, I’m relatively young, for a ‘Pisces’ I’m pretty grounded, definitely dramatic and just a little selfish. I have many of the piscean positive traits, and a fair number of the negative ones too. I make it a personal practice to know myself, but have had to learn to develop my comfort in social settings.
Being comfortable with myself in a group is relatively new. In all honesty, being comfortable in my skin in social settings at all is relatively new. There is always too much information, too much outside opinion spiking in the energy field and I find myself rolling inside of it trying to mold to the moment. I never like that feeling afterwards of not knowing who I am. I’m better at staying authentic if I remember to ground, and access my lower energies, I’m better if I give myself a focus.
Managing my own energy is easy with strangers, managing my energy in the company of people who I love is where things get challenging. As I turn over last nights gathering in my mind, I realize the unbalance comes from wanting to be loved. Yup, that old story again. This is a subtle notice, so subtle that I wouldn’t be looking at it at all if I hadn’t gotten triggered by one of my ladies last night, and began to access a small thread of self-doubt.
So, as I lay there thinking about my open exuberance, my playful joy and the energy behind my love for those women, I am in awe of how quickly I become ‘un-grouned’ in a social settings. I feel ashamed that I’m not as practiced in a group as I would like to be, and my ego takes a huge hit.
That louder persona that takes form around me is a bit of a shell, a way of coping with all the emotions in the room. I began to doubt myself and my authenticity as I turned over the events of last night. I’m normally pretty tame, but love makes me louder and more silly. It’s worse if alcohol is involved, but in this case it wasn’t.
When other people were learning to navigate personal relationships, I was playing with energy and retreating into internal worlds. I don’t like to be judged for my changeable nature, so its easy to not mingle with others. But I want connection, so it’s a necessary component of interaction as all humans form opinions.
Instead of burying these feeling and forgetting them, I wanted to follow that thread and see what was beneath the surface. Like all of us, I realized that I’m a complex work in progress, constantly unfolding and never finished. What others do and say about me has more to do with them than about me anyways. As long as I know that I’m coming from a loving place, and endeavor to be as honest with myself and others as best I can then I have nothing to worry about. That realization seriously takes the pressure off.