I have been going around since Saturday with a bee-in-my-bonnet and finally this morning I stopped.
If I had been asking myself any of my usual questions (How do I feel? What do I need) I would have come up with the answer before. Instead, I had to wait until I spun myself out, just to get a glimpse of what was going on!
Easter weekend is an excuse to get the family together. We travel to my parent’s house and stay over, to maximize our family time. The problem is that I let encounters with my family throw me off. I forget who I am, and revert back to old conditioning. It amazes me how fast it happens.
I want to be loved. I want the safety and acceptance of my tribe, and any hint that those longings are not being met, I go into my issues.
I’m not worthy, I’m not loveable, I am separate. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I’ve come too far to continue thinking those thoughts on the surface and still subconsciously, I am running a program that is outdated.
I now know that to feel content, I need to live in the depths of my spiritual experience. There will be no more shallow living for me.
I am loved, because I AM. I am safe because I AM. I am acceptable because I said so. Period.
This new way of interacting takes practice. It looks like staying open energetically, being authentic in my interactions and allowing myself to be seen.
I have not figured out how to fully do this with my family (yet) but I recognize I am getting better.
I was not totally off this weekend, there was always a thin thread of knowing in my mind. I want to become better at my interactions. As it stands, I am able to contain myself inward, I would like to extend myself so that I am comfortable no matter what is happening….
It is becoming physically painful to keep myself shut off from the larger part of me, just for the sake of feeling apart of the “tribe”. That pain is what throws me off, just enough so that I get spun.
I don’t want to make this wrong. I just want to notice it.
Families afford the biggest lessons because there is so much information there. I have so much to learn.
I am ready to see my world differently and each time we come together I know it gets easier to do so.