I’ve been quiet because I’m being loud in other places. It’s interesting how that happens in my life. My attention for the past five days has been on a 10-day art retreat, and I’ve been focused inward as I colour like a little child, discovering why I like to make art and what it’s for.
A little hint: it is for the joy of it and nothing more.
As a child, I made art with abandon. I could get lost in my imagination or my creativity for hours. I like colour for no other reason than it makes my eyes happy. Then somewhere I learned that is was pointless to make art unless you are a master, and even less so if no one likes what you make.
Somewhere I learned that making things for your own pleasure wasn’t a viable pursuit … that others need to be impressed. Everything you do has to have a purpose, and something outside of yourself has to validate that purpose by accepting it.
What a bunch of bullshit!
About nine years ago after my daughter was born, I began reemerging from within; shakily and still very much secretly I began to discover my creative play again.
I didn’t speak of what was bubbling up, there was really no point. But looking back, this love of creation was trying to surface much sooner than anyone around me would have guessed. My one friend likes to exclaim when she comes over now, “Who knew you were an artist!” “I didn’t see it coming! ” It makes me laugh, no one could see it because I didn’t share it!
I didn’t share anything of myself, not ever. No one was worthy of being intimate, and everyone was a potential heartache waiting to happen … I know, it was a sad and bleak worldview.
Now, my ‘studio’ is our home, and everyone gets to see what I’m playing with. I’m no longer guarded because I can see the gift that vulnerability and visibility are for myself and others. There is great permission in showing up as you are.
My level of protection (before) was perfect too, as such a vulnerable empath I didn’t understand about discernment or the power of consciously tapping into Source. But I do now and build my own level of safety into everything I do. I’ve learned that walls and layers were my only way of staying insulated against all the extra feelings I could pick up on. But what I sense and feel now doesn’t need to be fixed or guarded against, I am sovereign and know how to check in with myself fully.
Looking at it now, I had been hibernating before. I was dull and unfocused in the physical with regards to my creativity because I wasn’t tapping into my God(dess) Self. As a sensitive I needed to learn to plug into universal energy consciously, I needed to ground and trust in the all that is. It took some time to refine how I actively tapped into my Source Energy. Feeling it out now, much of my energy felt very surface and muted in all aspect of my life. I was protecting my tender nature in a very think energy cloak. It was like I was fearful of unleashing all of me and being visible at the same time. Up until I began unravelling myself, one layer at a time, there were many layers that only a select worthy few had ever been gifted with seeing.
My bedroom as a teenager was covered in writing and art. I had altars to the natural world on every surface; sticks and feathers mixed with shells and crystals. And then I packed it all away as I began to find my adult footing. It didn’t occur to me to bring it all with me, no adult I knew was in full possession of their magic, or their creativity … but then again, I wasn’t really looking very closely.
What does it look like when you unleash your wildness? What does it look like to unravel yourself from within?
For me, there is more colour, a recognition of the natural rhythms and pulse of the world and within my body than every before; I’m returning to the me of childhood. There is more flow and recognition of what brings me joy. And what brings me comfort is often very simple, my toes in the grass, wind in my hair. Colour. A great cup of coffee or some chocolate. A juicy conversation. These simple, natural things were always there, the knowledge of them came with me into this body, but I didn’t know how to direct the magic. I didn’t know how to use discernment to ask for what I wanted or to even create what I was looking for. Now I understand focus. Maybe it took packing some of it away (and then remembering the scope of it) to make me appreciate the brilliance of being a woman unleashed.
Come checkout what I’ve been playing at for the last little bit … https://www.instagram.com/goddessinthebelly/