12 Weeks of The Artist’s Way

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There are just over fifty of us who have decided to work through our copies of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Our art teacher has gotten permission from Julia to facilitate us through the process. We began last Friday, reading chapter one and beginning our morning pages. I have come in contact with this book over the years, but could never bring myself to read it. Such a huge resistance to being locked into the exercises. This often happens when there is a sense something will shift me, I drag my feet like a cat being taken to a bathtub.

This morning I am to dig a little into my psyche, poke around and see what voices are suppressing my creative energy. Instead, I’ve had a smoothie, a bowl of cereal and come here to write a small blurb.

This is going to be a very long twelve weeks if I don’t get on board with morning journal writing. And yet every time something feels constrictive I can’t seem to bring myself to begin. This is an excellent example of alignment over force. When I force myself there is ‘stress, strain and struggle’ and when I align there is ‘peace, ease and joy’ How can I get myself into alignment with writing today. Perhaps a cup of tea?

I noticed the last two days have been very shallow diving, I have been superficially going through the morning routine. This morning I woke up knowing I had to dig a little deeper and re-commit to the process. I can see how I am resisting ferreting out the voices that I suppress. I like to think a lot of those crap voices are behind me but I wouldn’t feel so heavy going into the writing exercises if they were … time to get to work and find a better flow.

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Mamma Earth and Our Connection

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Last week I wrote on FB about feeling the storm building and what came out was…

…Mama Earth is in the middle of transforming herself, perhaps as some say she is even birthing a new way of being. It’s easy to forget that we live on a living planet when we have trained ourselves only to focus on our human experience, and yet, what the earth goes through, so will we.

There is wisdom in the connectedness of things. And by seeing the external as a representation of the internal we get to transform our perceptions of present sensations. Transformation isn’t always easy, sometimes it is a destruction of all that was…

I began thinking about it again this morning after reading a friends blog post. We are all so connected. How will we move through this birthing phase? How will we midwife each other into deeper awareness and hope? Birthing isn’t easy, it’s messy and full of pain, but with the proper support and perspective, it is a transformative and inspiring feat.

 

 

 

 

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I’m lovable because I say I am

“…If you can stand fully in your own unbelonging and become friendly with the terrors of loneliness and exclusion, you can no longer be governed by your avoidance of them. In other words, you are on your way home…” ~ Toko-pa Turner, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home

I’ve been reading ‘Belonging’ and I can see myself in its pages. It’s complicated, the layers that make up human and spirit. As a intuitive creature I have learned to choose people to be around who will not drain me. As an empath and sensative I need to recharge alone at times; in general I need to pay attention to energy first and then behave according to intuition. But under that, there is another energy at work, one that was created in childhood, and is so nuanced it will take some time to untangle some of the threads.

I can see how I can disappear from those who get close to me because I can’t fully trust they will love all of my layers in the way I need them to. If I keep them at arms length, then they can’t get close enough to betray me. ‘Betray’ seems like deeply dramatic word, and yet it feels potent. What bigger betrayal is trusting you will be loved without condition, and then finding you are not worthy enough for another person?

The most healing thing ever said to me was ‘You’re not perfect. I love you anyway.” It was simple. I didn’t need to get it right. I stopped worrying I would be betrayed and began to engage with my whole self. This person is one of my biggest teachers, and I feel honored to have such a friend.

Closing my eyes, and sinking into how I have had relationship with others, I can see I only have a handful of people I drop my shields for (which is more than I could do ten years ago). I’m not a shy person, but I am selective. I can hold space for others, but I don’t trust them to hold space for me. I have been a lone wolf a very long time, and I’m only now learning to connect and be in community. I’ve come a long way in letting people in, and yet I can see through this book, I have a longer journey to go.

I am a good listener because I want that from others. I am a keeper of secrets because I want others to keep mine; but I haven’t always given space for others to do so. And in holding back I never give others a chance to be there when I need them. Up until recently my relationships have been entirely one sided. People shared with me, but I didn’t open to them. I didn’t call on them in distress, or if I needed help with something. I didn’t even tell people I missed them. I dealt with my emotions on my own. It was lonely without community.

Through Turners’s book, I can see how I have made choices to guard my feelings and my tender open heart. And how this protective energy came about only because I desperately wanted to be worthy and included, yet some how felt ‘other’ and excluded.

The deepest longing of my heart is to be accepted, not for what someones wants me to be, but for who I am. And I would wager that we all have that inside of us as people. The ‘I’m not enough’ comes up often in circles. It is often at the heart of every choice we make or don’t make in life. That particular wounding of un-belonging runs deep in our collective as we go about trying to prove our worth by being and doing more.

But as each of us does our inner work, thoroughly, we begin to return home to to ourselves. We enter the depths of the loving heart we are born with and come to see that our unbelonging was just a lie we chose to buy into.

I’m lovable because I say I am. I belong because I say I do. I can connect if I want to, and your response doesn’t make me any less or more.

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